If there are legitimate signs that a casual or committed relationship is toxic, abusive or beyond repair, it’s time to skip this overly marketed holiday hype. Diving emotionally deeper into an already bad situation is like installing marble counters in a kitchen with mold behind the walls. It’s akin to co-signing for a luxury car with a person who has a gambling addiction.
Let’s be clear: If a romantic relationship has a track record of being toxic, then a nice dinner, gift exchange and “dessert” will probably not wash this toxicity away.
Here are 8 signs that may describe a romantically toxic situation:
Confusing Dangerous Aggression with Passion
If a relationship has a history of being verbally and/or physically violent—even if this person has not actually physically attacked but rather used intimidating body language, gestures and verbally threatening, this may signal worse actions to come.
Significant Other Threatens Self-Harm
This person has hinted, joked or outright made comments with suicidal ideations. This is really serious. Don’t lose sight of the unfortunate reality that some crimes of passion include homicide-suicides. Never assume that a person willing to self-harm won’t inflict harm either.
Past Relationships Sound Sanitized
Even if a courtship is relatively new, and a love interest has not directed any specific abuse in the current relationship, but has glossed over details regarding moments of violence or verbal abuse in previous relationships, this is a red flag. Watch for wording where this person may play the role of the victim or innocent. Abusers aren’t known for being accountable nor fully transparent of their actions.
Unkind To Others
While a love interest is charismatic and sweet in the relationship, there are instances of this person being heavy-handed with animals, children, co-workers, and people in the service industry. This may be a telling sign in that these are situations where those on the receiving end are not in positions of power and troublesome.
Something Feels Troubling
An intuitive itch signals something is not right about this person. Trust that suspicious feeling instead of making sense of it later in a bad situation.
After Reviewing the Game Tape, It Just Looks Bad
Rational judgement can easily become clouded during the honeymoon stage of lust and infatuation. After reviewing past interactions, too many questionable moments simply stand out. Maybe a couple of moments included reactions (i.e., dirty look, shouting, door slamming, etc.) that were disproportionate to the moment or situation that can easily be mistaken for acceptable passion in the moment. While feeling “cared for” may be comforting, the possibility in becoming involved on a deeper level may raise the stakes to a potentially dangerous situation to come.
Friends and Family Members Express Concern
Sharing updates about a courtship or relationship with friends and family is par for the course, but when the reactions received are concerning, then it may be time to ask for candid observations. Maybe there’s something more troublesome to consider is being overlooked.
Bonus Tip
It’s always good to place people and relationships on a spectrum of experiences. Is this relationship more on the loving and nurturing side of the spectrum, or are there parts of the courtship on the extreme end where there could be intimidation, shouting matches, and at worse, violence?
Avoid being pulled back into a toxic situation for a short-lived, overly hyped-up holiday.
Cancel Valentine’s Day.
About Imani Kaliid
Imani Kaliid is the author of “There Was Violence,” President of the InVia Foundation and host of the “Misconnected Podcast.”
The InVia Foundation is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit entity based in California that is focused on technological tools and services for victims of violent trauma. “There Was Violence” serves as a relatable testimony and unfortunately common experience for multitudes of victims who remain silent, struggling or healing, which is why Kaliid sought a more direct avenue to connect and contribute to the world by establishing the InVia Foundation to save victims in need.
Access Links:
Website: www.therewasviolence.com
Apple Books: https://books.apple.com/us/audiobook/there-was-violence-how-crime-abuse-and-drugs/id1579108431
Google Books: https://play.google.com/store/books/details/Imani_Kaliid_There_Was_Violence?id=RPM4EAAAQBAJ
Bonus Testimonial: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTWfAwJUmct4H0x-UMCjHKw/videos
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