We’ve all heard the familiar lament of the proverbial ‘nice guy’: “I’m a good person. I treat her well. So why does she need space from me?” This situation, though puzzling to many men, is common in the world of romantic relationships. In fact, it is more common than most people realize, and it can be traced back to certain behaviors typically exhibited by these so-called ‘nice guys’. To understand this conundrum, we talked with Josh Hudson, who’s the creator of Pinnacle Coaching’s Marriage Mastery program. Follow us as we delve into the biological, psychological, and social aspects that come into play when women feel the need to create distance from a seemingly ‘nice guy.

There are three key ‘nice guy’ behaviors that tend to drive women away, which we will discuss in depth. However, before we dive into them, it’s essential to understand that being a nice guy isn’t inherently a bad thing. What makes it problematic is the intent and expectations that come with the ‘niceness’. It becomes a problem when men equate being ‘nice’ with seeking validation or holding covert expectations. Now, let’s look at these problematic behaviors.

1. Hidden Help 

The first behavior is that of ‘Hidden Help’. It comes from the nice guy’s inherent need to offer help to a woman, even when it’s not asked for. The act of offering help may seem innocent on the surface, but underneath it often hides an underlying insecurity and a need for validation or reassurance. Women, being intuitively in tune with such emotional nuances, pick up on this and find it off-putting, triggering a subconscious need for space.

A prime example of this is the story of Marriage Mastery client Travis, a nice guy who dated Nicole. When Nicole went to Cabo with her friends, Travis started to reach out more frequently, under the guise of ensuring she was okay. However, Nicole sensed Travis’s hidden agenda — his calls were not out of genuine concern for her wellbeing but an outcome of his insecurity. After the trip, Nicole began to withdraw from Travis, who, unaware of his behavior, couldn’t understand why.

2. Covert Contracts

The second behavior that often contributes to this is the concept of ‘Covert Contracts’. In his book, “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, Robert Glover describes covert contracts as unspoken, indirect agreements that men make within their relationships, believing that if they perform specific actions, their partner will reciprocate. This, again, is a subtle form of manipulation and expectation that women instinctively pick up on and recoil from.

David’s story illustrates this perfectly. After being married for ten years, David’s wife started spending more time away from home. When their intimacy started to fade, David, without communicating his concerns, decided to make dinner and clean the house, expecting his wife to reciprocate his efforts with intimacy. However, when his expectations weren’t met, it resulted in a massive argument, ultimately revealing that his wife was no longer in love with him. David’s covert contract had backfired.

3. Reluctant Request 

The third and final behavior is ‘Reluctant Request’. This is when a nice guy indirectly communicates his needs or expectations from a relationship, avoiding any direct confrontation or potential rejection. It’s a kind of passive-aggressive behavior where the nice guy wants his partner to read his mind and fulfill his unspoken needs.

An example of this is Josh’s own story from college when he dated his dream girl. Her ex-boyfriend lived in the same apartment complex, which triggered his insecurities. One night, instead of directly communicating his discomfort about her talking to her ex at a bar, he simply told her, “I’m going home,” expecting her to understand his unspoken request and to come with him. When she didn’t, it led to a heated argument and further pushed her away from Josh.

So, how can a ‘nice guy’ avoid pushing women away? Here are a few pointers:

Be Authentic: This means being true to your feelings, thoughts, and needs instead of masking them under a façade of ‘niceness’. If you’re feeling insecure or uncomfortable about a situation, just say it. Honesty breeds trust, and trust strengthens relationships.

1. Abandon Covert Contracts

Unspoken expectations are a recipe for disappointment and misunderstanding. If you expect something in return for your actions, communicate it clearly and directly.

2. Be Direct

Do not assume that your partner can read your mind or understand your indirect hints. Clear and direct communication is key to any successful relationship. It can prevent misunderstandings and the buildup of resentment.

3. Vulnerability is OK.

Being vulnerable might seem counterintuitive to many men who are taught to suppress their emotions, but it is a critical aspect of any deep, meaningful relationship. Expressing your fears, insecurities, and desires can bring you closer to your partner and allow her to understand you better.

4. Be Independent

Maintain Your Independence: In a relationship, it’s important to retain your individuality and not let the relationship consume your entire identity. This includes spending time on your hobbies and interests, maintaining your friendships, and having personal time for self-reflection.

While being a ‘nice guy’ isn’t inherently bad, it’s essential to ensure that your niceness comes from a place of authenticity, not from hidden expectations or insecurities. 

By understanding and addressing these common mistakes, you can transform from a ‘nice guy’ to a ‘genuine guy’. Because if you were doing that just to get something in return, how “nice” were you really?

To learn more about our Pinnacle Marriage Coaching, check out the website HERE.

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